The life and times of Esther Avila

Everything I think I know seems to disappear every now and then I can't seem to hold on to things that are true. I forget and hurt all over again. What am I doubting and why? Why do things stop being enough Why do I close off and shut down? Like a faulty hard drive, everything wipes clean and I default back to a barren landscape of fear and desolation Like a small baby who is surprised by peek-a-boo each time he plays I'm relieved when he appears from behind my door but the minute he leaves it's like I'll never see him again I forget he was just hear... I'm sorry for forgetting. I'm sorry for running away and crying... and with your call and just a few minutes of your words my fears have just as easily been forgotten. I'm sorry.

Written Early 2012 darkening clouds flooding my mind small smoke pockets of fear sneaking into every empty corner of my brain debilitating, paralyzing, screeching to a threatened stop my own mistake. the darkness came knocking and i let it trample me as it move in to take over demons stomping through the streets of my thoughts banging on the front doors of quiet neighbors banned for ages dragging them out of their death beds and dragging them by the leg for all to stare at. striking fear in the heart of every new member of the neighborhood happy loving neighbor all now depressed and drained of life

No longer crying about the past Longing for the future has ended Smiling for today, realizing I am alive

my beautiful friend sweet, shy, nurturing and kind spread your wings and fly

Running in circles hitting my head against walls Never learning from the mistakes I make Crying at the thought of all my scrapes and falls Running in circles hitting my head against walls  Waiting for sanity to visit, but reason never calls Losing myself bit by bit, waiting for my soul to finally break Running in circles hitting my head against walls Never learning from the mistakes I make