The life and times of Esther Avila

Dis Me.

Everything I think I know seems to disappear every now and then I can't seem to hold on to things that are true. I forget and hurt all over again. What am I doubting and why? Why do things stop being enough Why do I close off and shut down? Like a faulty hard drive, everything wipes clean and I default back to a barren landscape of fear and desolation Like a small baby who is surprised by peek-a-boo each time he plays I'm relieved when he appears from behind my door but the minute he leaves it's like I'll never see him again I forget he was just hear... I'm sorry for forgetting. I'm sorry for running away and crying... and with your call and just a few minutes of your words my fears have just as easily been forgotten. I'm sorry.

Written Early 2012 darkening clouds flooding my mind small smoke pockets of fear sneaking into every empty corner of my brain debilitating, paralyzing, screeching to a threatened stop my own mistake. the darkness came knocking and i let it trample me as it move in to take over demons stomping through the streets of my thoughts banging on the front doors of quiet neighbors banned for ages dragging them out of their death beds and dragging them by the leg for all to stare at. striking fear in the heart of every new member of the neighborhood happy loving neighbor all now depressed and drained of life

No longer crying about the past Longing for the future has ended Smiling for today, realizing I am alive

my beautiful friend sweet, shy, nurturing and kind spread your wings and fly

Running in circles hitting my head against walls Never learning from the mistakes I make Crying at the thought of all my scrapes and falls Running in circles hitting my head against walls  Waiting for sanity to visit, but reason never calls Losing myself bit by bit, waiting for my soul to finally break Running in circles hitting my head against walls Never learning from the mistakes I make

Today, I am practicing my Villanelle skills... lost all his sanity one night by Estha Fiesta lost all his sanity one night sorting through all the consternation doesn't know how to make it right an initial attraction that was quite a sight his efforts to love her full of determination lost all his sanity one night but she filled his life with unbearable light saturating his being with ill-frustration doesn't know how to make it right their disparate bond becoming their plight debilitated by so much condemnation lost all his sanity one night life leading them to hearts contrite caused by circumstances of adulteration and doesn't know how to make it right her hopeless abandonment winning the fight flooding his soul with desperation lost all his sanity one night and doesn't know how to make it right

no one will ever ask I'll never say yes the flowers will dry up so will all the dreams hopes shrivel up and die because he wont ever ask and i'll never say yes remaining forever in line never getting to the front catching everyone's flowers but the hope, in the back of you're heart just cowers

Title: Little Girl Sighs (Feb. 2008) Independent strong woman walking down the street Not a care in the world, no one left to greet self-confident and outgoing, with head held high feeling like she’s totally complete inside but around the corner sits a man with a gleam in his eye and she’s about to learn that she’s not really living life her face is stuck in a smile and she’s got her hands over her eyes but she’s peeking at him through loose fingers and little girl sighs with few words he takes her for a ride she blushes and smiles, and has no where to hide she stops dead in her tracks she has no place to move now she’s scared and shy and now she has something to prove her heart skips beats and her eyelashes bat with joke he makes, with the drop of his hat her face is stuck in a smile and she’s got her hands over her eyes but she’s peeking at him through loose fingers and little girl sighs she’s alone most of the time, a grown woman with fairytale dreams the next...

Title: Learning how (Apr. 2008) Everything gone completely wrong need to write another fucking song you were supposed to be the one learning how to stand, how to breathe learning to wake up knowing you're not with me who swept me off my feet but not with the dirt now I'm lying to everyone about all my fucking hurt told so many lies, don't even know where I stand you should've been there holding my hand learning how to walk, how to see learning to wake up knowing you're not with me my life's put together, but my spirit lays broken sitting in the darkness of my mind, words unspoken eyes dry, heart drowning, screaming, kicking learning how to run, how to feel learning to wake up knowing you're not with me but my life's put together, my spirit remains broken I will let this drown while words will not be spoken learning how to fly, how to be learning to wake up knowing you're not with me

Title: Will Never Come (Jan. 2008) So much love living inside Afraid it will all die, die die All this feeling with no where to go Turning my poor sad heart into stone Waiting for something that will never come Knew it failed from the get go, from the start Unrequited doesn ’t matter anymore I still have tears in my eyes, and love in my heart Drowning in all the lies, now mopping up all the tears Already forgot you made me laugh, and calmed all my fears expecting something that will never come Knowing it failed long go, from the start always having my heart broken and still loving you with all the little pieces always wanting what it can’t have never saving itself for Mr . right my heart has a death wish to stop beating for him without putting up a fight Waiting for something that will never come Knowing it failed long go, from the start always shattering into a millions pieces I always have tears in my eyes, and love in my heart

Back in 2008 I told myself I'd write a dozen songs by the end of the year. And by songs I mean just the lyrics because I don't know how to write music. In any case, I only managed to write four. And here is the first one: Title: All I See (Jan. 2008) it was all fun and games for a while but then i fell for your mischievous smile then she came along and you decided you were done one day here, one day gone now i look at these pictures and stare in your eyes all i see is the pleasure and the stains and the fire and the games that you played on me thanks for setting my body free, but none of that put me at ease and the damn good sex didn't mean jack shit to me i needed more than your dick and more than your fingers i need you to discover the kind of feeling that lingers now i look at these pictures and stare in your eyes all i see are the memories and the rain and the laughter and the pain you left me in and now you're back and i cant make up my mind my eyes can not hid...

Time goes bye by Estha Fiesta She bought a big bed when she turned twenty-five In hopes that one day she’d share it with the love of her life Then one day she turned fifty-two And woke to realize half her bed was still brand new Where did her time go? How quickly her days went by All she can do now is look back and cry Her heart never stopped beating But she never felt alive She spent thirty years trying Only to emotionally survive Where did her years go? How lonely her days went by All she can do now is look in the mirror and lie She claimed to choose privacy And pretend she despised being tied down In reality she felt terrified that in her lonely Tears she would drown Where did her love go? How quietly her feelings slipped by All she can do now is lay down and die

6/9/2011 she bought a big bed when she turned twenty-five in hopes to one day share it with the love of her life then one day she turned fifty-two and woke to realize half her bed was still brand new where did her time go? how quickly her days went by all she can do now is look back and cry her heart never stopped beating but she never felt alive she spent thirty years trying only to emotionally survive where did her years go? how lonely her days went by all she can do now is lie... she chose privacy and despised being tied down in reality always terrified that in her lonely tears she would drown where did her love go? how quietly her feeling slipped by all she can do now is lay down and die

Silence so thick we can't walk through it, can't move we stop and stare thinking about what the either might be thinking No one says a word both scared to step into the silent space that festers between us holding us at bay. I push myself to speak but I resist. You say nothing as well. How long can this last? The silence  torments me. it's like we are strangers. In a away it's what we have become. I want to cry at the idea that I've lost you and that you've lost me as well. Where have we gone? Wherever we might  be we are certainly not  together. Our love is worn out. Sadly it had only just started. Maybe it only needs a rest.  It needs to regain energy. 

I am starting this log for many reasons. 1. I would like to begin writing again 2. my boyfriend is currently obsessed with HTML and I feel the need to partake in his excitement in some way =D 3. I have lots of random thoughts on a daily basis and usually don't know who to share it with Welcome and hope you enjoy.